I originally wrote this response in January of 2006, but after seeing the above email circulate once again, I decided it needed posting again.
Like Paul Harvey, it falls to the resident Liberals to set the record straight and tell "the rest of the story". Humans did indeed come from primitive origins. Early bands were practically indistinguishable from the animals they were in constant competition with for meager resources or protection from larger predators.
It was this crucial need to progress beyond the realm of mere animals which first prompted our ape-like ancestors to split into Conservatives and Liberals.
As time progressed, so did the human brain. What we now know as humans are actually a split from a larger tree from which there were several distinctive types, with all extinct except the modern homo sapien. A notable cousin of the modern human which co-existed at the same time was known as the Neanderthal. These were the first Conservatives. Their brains were as large as modern humans, sometimes even larger, but contained within a brainpan which promoted memory rather than leaps of cognitive thinking. They could not invent beyond crude tools and subsisted on what game they could track down since they had no ability to understand agriculture or food storage.
The Liberals, however, made intuitive leaps forward. Sometimes these were for the best and sometimes not. They intelligently leapt past the primitive stone tools of the Neanderthals and refined them, making finely honed arrow and spear heads to make hunting more efficient. They watched the way the earth produced plant life, refined that process, and began cultivating their own fields. When the need to store food through long winter months became pressing, they analyzed the need and found ways of preserving meat, drying plants and herbs, and utilizing the natural preservation of ice.
In this way, the winter nights allowed Liberal men to stay inside the warm cave, surrounded by their fertile and libidous women. Their Conservative cousins, however, did what they always did and stayed up late worrying about the hunt the next day and whether or not it would be successful. Because they had no thoughts of different approaches to their problems, killing became a way of life for them, defined in all they did.
The Liberal man's rapidly growing brain allowed him to turn his attention to other things when he no longer had to worry about breaking his back in order to support his tribe. Art and music entered the world. Contemplation of the stars, tracking their movements, and watching the change of seasons allowed him to not only plan the best times to hunt and plant, but also to navigate to even better places to live.
The fossil evidence indicates that there were conflicts between the Neanderthals (Conservatives) and Sapiens (Liberals). While physically bigger and stronger, the Neanderthal was never a match for the size and power of the Sapien's brain. Thus, Liberals even refined the art of war. After the Neanderthals became extinct because of their lack of foresight, the Liberals refined war further with weapons of steel, martial arts, and battle strategies. They devised rules of war, befitting enlightened humans who were above animals. This produced works such as "The Art of War", the United Nations, and the Geneva Convention.
However, the Conservative Neanderthals were not completely gone. There is evidence suggesting that while the two species were very different, they were gentically able to reproduce with each other. While it is evident the refined and intelligent Liberal would never seek out a Neanderthal woman to mate with, the Liberal women were the envy of the Conservatives. Even as they were shocked and outraged at the strength and intelligence the Liberal women possessed, it was secretly arousing to them. Thus, it can be surmised that many of the conflicts between Neanderthals and Sapiens were the result of Conservative raids to steal the women.
This obviously produced children and, through the interbreeding the Conservatives were known for, eventually produced a strain which looked exactly like the Liberal Sapiens, but with the brain of the Conservative Neanderthal. This, unfortunately, has been a source of continuing conflict as these Conservatives in our midst continually desire the human race to hold still or look backwards. To our species' credit, however, Liberals have triumphed throughout our history, boldly moving us forward to the future instead of becoming stagnant and backwards.
Such has been the case and such will always be the case.
It was this crucial need to progress beyond the realm of mere animals which first prompted our ape-like ancestors to split into Conservatives and Liberals.
As time progressed, so did the human brain. What we now know as humans are actually a split from a larger tree from which there were several distinctive types, with all extinct except the modern homo sapien. A notable cousin of the modern human which co-existed at the same time was known as the Neanderthal. These were the first Conservatives. Their brains were as large as modern humans, sometimes even larger, but contained within a brainpan which promoted memory rather than leaps of cognitive thinking. They could not invent beyond crude tools and subsisted on what game they could track down since they had no ability to understand agriculture or food storage.
The Liberals, however, made intuitive leaps forward. Sometimes these were for the best and sometimes not. They intelligently leapt past the primitive stone tools of the Neanderthals and refined them, making finely honed arrow and spear heads to make hunting more efficient. They watched the way the earth produced plant life, refined that process, and began cultivating their own fields. When the need to store food through long winter months became pressing, they analyzed the need and found ways of preserving meat, drying plants and herbs, and utilizing the natural preservation of ice.
In this way, the winter nights allowed Liberal men to stay inside the warm cave, surrounded by their fertile and libidous women. Their Conservative cousins, however, did what they always did and stayed up late worrying about the hunt the next day and whether or not it would be successful. Because they had no thoughts of different approaches to their problems, killing became a way of life for them, defined in all they did.
The Liberal man's rapidly growing brain allowed him to turn his attention to other things when he no longer had to worry about breaking his back in order to support his tribe. Art and music entered the world. Contemplation of the stars, tracking their movements, and watching the change of seasons allowed him to not only plan the best times to hunt and plant, but also to navigate to even better places to live.
The fossil evidence indicates that there were conflicts between the Neanderthals (Conservatives) and Sapiens (Liberals). While physically bigger and stronger, the Neanderthal was never a match for the size and power of the Sapien's brain. Thus, Liberals even refined the art of war. After the Neanderthals became extinct because of their lack of foresight, the Liberals refined war further with weapons of steel, martial arts, and battle strategies. They devised rules of war, befitting enlightened humans who were above animals. This produced works such as "The Art of War", the United Nations, and the Geneva Convention.
However, the Conservative Neanderthals were not completely gone. There is evidence suggesting that while the two species were very different, they were gentically able to reproduce with each other. While it is evident the refined and intelligent Liberal would never seek out a Neanderthal woman to mate with, the Liberal women were the envy of the Conservatives. Even as they were shocked and outraged at the strength and intelligence the Liberal women possessed, it was secretly arousing to them. Thus, it can be surmised that many of the conflicts between Neanderthals and Sapiens were the result of Conservative raids to steal the women.
This obviously produced children and, through the interbreeding the Conservatives were known for, eventually produced a strain which looked exactly like the Liberal Sapiens, but with the brain of the Conservative Neanderthal. This, unfortunately, has been a source of continuing conflict as these Conservatives in our midst continually desire the human race to hold still or look backwards. To our species' credit, however, Liberals have triumphed throughout our history, boldly moving us forward to the future instead of becoming stagnant and backwards.
Such has been the case and such will always be the case.
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